Dieter's Prayer

Dieter's Prayer

oh poo

This is going to take a lot out of me but it is so heavy on my heart, I'm thinking maybe if I type it out and post it, you know, put it on paper, it will make things easier for me. 

Annie died in May of 2008, two years ago when Julian, her youngest, was only a little more than a month from being 5 years old. 

During this past year I have been spending a lot of time with Julian, he comes to my house almost every other weekend.  Sometimes he comes with Andrew and Sheldon, his brother and cousin but many times he comes alone.  He asks to come over and usually does not want to leave. 

In his visits we always bring his mom up in conversation, we look at pictures and talk about "when Annie was with us".  I've always encouraged the boys to let their feelings out, that its okay to cry and be sad.  The boys have always seemed to be "okay". 

This past weekend I had Julian in the car with me, just he and I.  He completely catches me off guard when he asks, "Grandma, is my mom back alive yet?"  I explained the best way I knew how to a 6 year old that his mom was not alive, nor would she come back to life.  I told Julian his mommy was in Heaven but she was always watching over him.  His next question was "Grandma, is my mom in bananas?" I had to think about that one.  At first I said, "No Julian, I don't think your mom is in bananas".  He said, "what about rainbows?"
I thought about it for a minute then said, "Julian, you mom is in EVERYTHING you love.  If you love bananas your mom is in Bananas.  If you love rainbows, your mom is in rainbows.  Your mom is in everything you love because you carry your mom in your heart."  He got a smile on his face and seemed content with that.  A short time later he tells me he wishes he could remember his moms voice.  I reminded him of how his mom used to answer the phone when someone would call, he smiled and said he remembered.  Julian then asked me if he would ever see his mom again.  Have you ever tried explaining the whole Heaven thing to a child of age 6.  Understanding meeting my loved ones in Heaven is hard for me to understand.  How do I explain that to a child?  When I told him that when he died and went to Heaven his Mom would be there waiting for him, that completely threw him off, as I imagine he was thinking he would die soon.  That was the end of that conversation.  The rest of the day was pretty normal, although I could tell he was off just a little, not quite as chipper and fun as usual.  That night David, Dale and I took Julian to go see Toy Story 3. 

The next day Julian and I were practicing writing, I have a "summer journal" for him and when he comes over, we practice ABCs and 123s.  He took his book and went and sat at the table and start writing.  I sat next to him and was trying to read what he was writing.  One word was "sccssus".  I asked what that spelled and he said sucks.  I asked him if he could use a better word than that, like yucky, or funny.  He started to read the sentence to me.  Before he got to the word "sucks" he start crying.  Through his tears he read, "it sucks that my mom will never be alive again." I just put him on my lap and hugged him and kissed his sweet little face. 

Julian and the weekend have been so heavy on my heart.  I love that little boy and I HATE that he is hurting, that he is missing his MOMMY. 

I just needed to share, to get this off my chest.  If anyone has any suggestions or ideas, please feel free to let me know. 

Please pray for my grandsons, they are 6 and 11 and they are missing their MOMMY. 

My Chosen Cancer Centers!!! Is 9 too many? Never Too Many!!

Okay, I really have faith in my family and friends because I have chosen to deliver cards to 9 Cancer Centers on April 10, 2010, CARDS 4 CANCER DAY!!  I received such a wonderful response to the email I sent I decided to go for it.  So, here is my latest post to those who have agreed to help me with this wonderful mission!!

Hi There

I just wanted to let you all know that I have done a little bit of research and have found 9 Cancer Centers in the area that I would like to include in Cards 4 Cancer Day. These are the centers I have found, if there are others that you know of that you would like to be included in this, please let me know. I appreciate each of you who have said you would help me with this project. It really means a lot to me. I will start collecting cards any time you would like to get them to me. You can mail them, bring them or I can pick them up. As I said before, all that we need to do is write an inspirational message in them, that message being "genderless" please because we don't know who the cards will be going to, and sign the card. If you would like you can write somewhere on the card or the envelope, www.spiritjump.org and Cards4Cancer or I will write it when I receive the cards. Again, thank you so much. Here is the list of centers I would like to deliver to.

Memorial Regional Cancer Center

1700 Coffee Road

Modesto, CA 95355-2803

Cypress Women's Cancer Treatment

1524 McHenry Avenue

Modesto, CA 95350-4570

California Cancer Ctr-Doctors

Modesto, CA 95350

St Teresa Cancer Center

4722 Quail Lakes Drive

Stockton, CA

St Joseph's Regional Cancer Center

1800 N California St

Stockton, CA

Purewal Prabhjit S MD FACP:

200 Cottage Avenue

Manteca, CA

San Joaquin General Hospital: ID-Oncology-HIV

500 West Hospital Road

French Camp, CA

The Ben Schaffer Cancer Institute

311 S. Ham Lane

Lodi, California.

Valley PET Institute at the Patti Davis Cancer Center

2425 Vine Street

Lodi, California

Spirit Jump and Cards 4 Cancer

Wow, what a great response I received from the email I sent out.  I sent it to just about everyone on my email list and all my facebook friends.  I received wonderful replies from so many people, I wanted to share a couple of those because they mean so much to me.  A dear friend of mine also wrote two poems and sent them to me to include in the cards if I wish to.  So, to all of you who replied to my email, thank you very much, you have touched my heart with your kindness.  I am so happy that you choose to be part of Cards 4 Cancer and I can hardly wait until April 10, 2010, when all the cards will be delivered to our friends near and far who are battling cancer.  

So, here are some of the replies I received.... 

Lillie

Of course I will donate! What I need to know is do I address these letter or simply jot down a letter to fit male/female child/adult? I'm proud of your efforts and look forward to seeing where the Lord leads you with this.

Love

Me :)

Lillie – So GREAT to hear from you ! J YES !!! AVID students can help ! Our students would love to do this !. I will put the date on my calendar and begin this in March. Feel free to touch base with me then for a kind reminder J Thank you for thinking of us. Talk to you later, Lori

Lillie,as you know,I know the pain & loss of cancer all too well. I would be proud to help out. Do I buy a couple (to several) cards-such as "just because", "thinking of you", etc. And do I put them all in a manilla enelope and mail them to you ? I'll gladly pick up some cards.

Thank you for the opportunity & Bless you!
I'll do in honor of my Mom,Grandma,Grandpa,Aunts,

friends & family & my own personal reason.
thanks 

Tonya Harrington-Barton 

What a great project.  Count me in.  I will have several for you.  I would also like to help deliver them.  Once the cards have been written, how do I get them to you.  I can think of several students who would also like to participate.  Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help out, as I have had several members of my family die from cancer.

I will be happy to provide the cards.  Thank you for asking me.

Nina Wyman

Integrated/ Life Science

Hi Lilllie,

You have asked the right person.  I lost my sister to cancer at the age of 52.  Also, my main hobby right now is making cards.  I would be happy to make some cards. Let me know where to send them and any other details I should know.

Barbara

Okay, so here are the two poems that my friend Virginia wrote and sent to me to include in cards that she is sending. 

Someone Cares

When you are ill, people shy away

People look away

They try not to meet your gaze

Or say the word cancer

You can be alone in a crowd, except for that shadow…

I want to shine a light on that dark place 

Banish it for the moment

I hope to brighten your day

And help recharge your spirit

For the battle you are facing

If I could look you in the eyes

I would look into your soul

To show you that I care

To let you know you’re not alone

Someone cares

I am reaching you from far away

Touching your shoulder

Taking your hand

Putting my arms around you in a gentle embrace

Smiling at the vision of you feeling peaceful

Basking in Love and light

Not caring for the moment

If you win or lose this fight

Take a moment today

To choose happiness

To feel grateful

To know Love

I’m on your side

I pray you’ll win out

That cancer will fade

That peace and gratitude

Will remain with you

For that season you will know

You’re not alone

Someone Cares

© 2009 V. Curtis

I Am Your Champion

We’ve never met

I’m writing to you because you have cancer

I know that you are scared, that you feel weak

You may be determined, or resigned

I don’t claim to understand how you feel

But I do claim to care

If you feel lonely, someone is there

On your side

Wishing you peace and light

And strength for the fight

Someone is praying for your miracle

As you wage your daily battles

I am rooting you on

Your courage is an inspiration to me

I’m wishing you rest for today

Strength to fight again tomorrow

Whether we win or lose the fight

We are together in spirit

You are my hero

I am your champion

© 2009 V.Curtis

Spirit Jump and Cards 4 Cancer!! April 10, 2010

As you may or may not know, I have become personally involved with Spirit Jump, which is a grassroots non-profit organization with a mission to provide hope and comfort to the many men, women and children battling cancer. Spirit Jump accomplishes this by providing uplifting cards and inspirational gifts during this most difficult time. Currently there are almost 200 people on our "Jumpee" list.  The jumpees are the people receiving cards and gifts. If you would like to read more about Spirit Jump, please go to www.spiritjump.org. 

On April 10th 2010 Spirit Jump along with Bloggers Unite and its sponsors are pleased to bring you our First Annual Cards 4 Cancer Day. Battling cancer can be one of the most difficult and loneliest experiences a person can go through. With cancer touching so many lives around the world it’s time to let those battling cancer know they are not alone. Hundreds, thousands or even hundreds of thousands of cards will be delivered to cancer centers around the world on this day. Spirit Jump has set a goal of collectively delivering over 100,000 cards. Our mission is to provide hope and comfort to the many men, women and children who are involved in this battle.

I have volunteered to be a Team Leader, in which, I am responsible for getting as many cards as I can to deliver to Cancer Centers or a Cancer center, in my area.  The cards do not have to be store bought, they can be made, they do not have to be fancy, what is important is that each card contain an uplifting message for the person battling cancer and the card, in some way, reflects that it is sent "because of" Spirit Jump.  I was thinking a simple web address addition on the back of each card, to let those battling cancer know about Spirit Jump. 

So, I was wondering if you would like to help me on this project. All I am asking is if you would make or buy a few cards, ask your friends, students, children, grandchildren to help you out. I would get the cards from you before the delivery date, which is April 10th, as all cards will be delivered on that day.   If you would like to be involved in the delivering, that would be great too.  At this time, I am not sure which Cancer Center/Centers we will deliver to, if you can help me out with that, I would appreciate it.

This means so much to me.  I chose to be involved with Spirit Jump after Annie's death, it was something that was placed in my path.  Annie did not have cancer but I have chosen to do this in her honor. 

You can reply to this if you are interested, if not, it's okay too, or you can call me, my cell phone number is (209)598-4536.

Thank you so much.

Love,
Lillie

Happy New Year 2010

The holidays have come and gone, the Christmas decorations are down, except for the lights on the outside of the house, the bag of trashed wrapping paper went out with recycle this morning, there are  just no physical signs left that Christmas was here.
The memories of Christmas are great.  The fun actually started mid-week of the week of Christmas.  I had blogged earlier in the month about making Tamales and that is what I did.  My oldest son David, who is 19, vowed to help me, since it is definitely a job for more than one person.
I went out and bought everything I needed to make tamales, came home and got started.  My younger son, Dale, who is 15, washed the HUGE pressure cooker for me, after the roasts were cooked, he cut them up for me, he was really right there by my side helping me out, what a blessing that was, and David was nowhere to be found!!!    Of course mom would of loved to help, she kept coming in the kitchen to check and see what I was doing “now” and would give me constructive guidance since she is the Tamale Queen!!!
Several hours later, which was about 9 p.m., the first batch of tamales was ready to put on the stove.  From past experience I knew that I had to get the pressure cooker up to between 7 and 13 on the pressure gauge then keep it there and the tamales would cook about 4 or 5 hours.
Well, I had a problem, the pressure gauge didn’t work.  I could hear the water steaming so I just turned the fire to what “I” was comfortable with and went on about my business.  I thought I could get a few hours of sleep before the tamales were ready to come out of the pot.  Everyone else was in bed.  I set my alarm for two hours so I could get up and check the tamales.
In two hours when I got up, the fire was off on the tamales.  I went to my mom and asked if she had turned the tamales off, she said “yeah, I think they are done”. I knew they weren’t done, they had cooked less than two hours.  I turned the tamales back on and went back to my room, when I got up again the tamales were turned off again.
So, I turned the tamales back on and decided I wasn’t going to get any sleep, so I sat in the chair for a couple of hours and went and turned the tamales off when I thought they were cooked. I left the tamales in the pressure cooker because I knew they would still steam and I could deal with them later in the morning.  I went to bed and slept for a couple of hours.
When I woke up, I went in the kitchen and the tamales were on the fire and the fire was on full blast, I could see the steam coming out of the top of the pressure cooker, the gauge was working and if I didn’t release the pressure, I didn’t know what was gonna happen.  I took care of it then went to my mom’s room.  I asked Mom if she turned the pressure cooker on, she said “yes, I had a dream the tamales weren’t done, they were real doughy so I went and turned them on”.
Aye yai yai.  I was scared the tamales would be burned but when I took them out of the pot, everything seemed to be okay.  What a night.
The tamales were delicious!!! I made another batch the next day, making 10 dozen total.  I served them on Christmas Eve with Spanish rice and potato salad.

My mom has never really shown any signs of dementia or Alzheimer’s, she is a stroke victim but her mind is strong, she reads a lot, doesn’t talk much, but I wonder what made her play “turn the fire off, turn the fire on with me” that night!!!  And, after all that, she tasted the tamales but won’t eat any!!!
Happy New Year all, I hope your holidays were memorable and the New Year will bring you much joy!!

Dear Cancer

When my stepdaughter, Annie's,  tumors were first discovered she was told she had cancer and that it was terminal.  My stepdaughter, Shelly wrote this poem, vowing to fight with Annie, to battle the cancer that Annie was diagnosed with.  Shortly after this diagnosis the doctors discovered Annie had Neurofibromatosis.  The poem stood true still because Shelly was there with Annie for all her surgeries, she drove her to San Francisco for most of her appointments, and she was there holding Annie's hands when that stupid doctor injected Collagen into Annie's carotid artery, which was the cause of Annie's death.  I just want to share this poem.  I had not read it in a long time Shelly wrote it in December of 2007 and Annie went to be with the angels on May 8, 2008.  Please do not share this poem.  It was written for Annie, by her sister, Shelly Patricia Williams. The picture on the right is Annie on Easter 2008, just a month before her death, of course, the middle one is Annie when I first met her and below is Annie with her dad and siblings, 7 months before her death. 

Dear Cancer,

How do you choose, who's lives you take,

How do you decide, who's hearts you break?

Is it the smile, or color of hair,

Is it genetics, or do you even care?

Do you like them beautiful, must the be fat or thin,

Maybe you base it on the type of religion.

Why do you attack, so fierce and strong,

Taking a life that should have been long.

Destroying futures, causing pain,

What is in it for you, what do you gain?

I don't understand, I cannot comprehend,

What makes you cause pain, until the lives you take end.

Who gives you the power, what gives you the right?

To steal a life in the darkness of the night.

I will fight for the lives you steal,

I will mend them and help them heal.

You will not win, you have met your match,

For you have chose the wrong life to snatch.

Now I hate you from the bottom of my heart,

You began a battle you will wish you did not start.

You came into my family, a life I love and adore

So from now on consider it war.