Tuesday, June 22, 2010

oh poo

This is going to take a lot out of me but it is so heavy on my heart, I'm thinking maybe if I type it out and post it, you know, put it on paper, it will make things easier for me. 

Annie died in May of 2008, two years ago when Julian, her youngest, was only a little more than a month from being 5 years old. 

During this past year I have been spending a lot of time with Julian, he comes to my house almost every other weekend.  Sometimes he comes with Andrew and Sheldon, his brother and cousin but many times he comes alone.  He asks to come over and usually does not want to leave. 

In his visits we always bring his mom up in conversation, we look at pictures and talk about "when Annie was with us".  I've always encouraged the boys to let their feelings out, that its okay to cry and be sad.  The boys have always seemed to be "okay". 

This past weekend I had Julian in the car with me, just he and I.  He completely catches me off guard when he asks, "Grandma, is my mom back alive yet?"  I explained the best way I knew how to a 6 year old that his mom was not alive, nor would she come back to life.  I told Julian his mommy was in Heaven but she was always watching over him.  His next question was "Grandma, is my mom in bananas?" I had to think about that one.  At first I said, "No Julian, I don't think your mom is in bananas".  He said, "what about rainbows?"
I thought about it for a minute then said, "Julian, you mom is in EVERYTHING you love.  If you love bananas your mom is in Bananas.  If you love rainbows, your mom is in rainbows.  Your mom is in everything you love because you carry your mom in your heart."  He got a smile on his face and seemed content with that.  A short time later he tells me he wishes he could remember his moms voice.  I reminded him of how his mom used to answer the phone when someone would call, he smiled and said he remembered.  Julian then asked me if he would ever see his mom again.  Have you ever tried explaining the whole Heaven thing to a child of age 6.  Understanding meeting my loved ones in Heaven is hard for me to understand.  How do I explain that to a child?  When I told him that when he died and went to Heaven his Mom would be there waiting for him, that completely threw him off, as I imagine he was thinking he would die soon.  That was the end of that conversation.  The rest of the day was pretty normal, although I could tell he was off just a little, not quite as chipper and fun as usual.  That night David, Dale and I took Julian to go see Toy Story 3. 

The next day Julian and I were practicing writing, I have a "summer journal" for him and when he comes over, we practice ABCs and 123s.  He took his book and went and sat at the table and start writing.  I sat next to him and was trying to read what he was writing.  One word was "sccssus".  I asked what that spelled and he said sucks.  I asked him if he could use a better word than that, like yucky, or funny.  He started to read the sentence to me.  Before he got to the word "sucks" he start crying.  Through his tears he read, "it sucks that my mom will never be alive again." I just put him on my lap and hugged him and kissed his sweet little face. 

Julian and the weekend have been so heavy on my heart.  I love that little boy and I HATE that he is hurting, that he is missing his MOMMY. 

I just needed to share, to get this off my chest.  If anyone has any suggestions or ideas, please feel free to let me know. 

Please pray for my grandsons, they are 6 and 11 and they are missing their MOMMY. 


Grace said...

A hard but good weekend. Julian, Andrew and Sheldon have the best grandma in the world. I continue to pray for J & A... as for you too.

pinwheelgirl said...

What a beautiful post about one of life's most tender and heartfelt moments with a child. It reminds me of how I had to explain to my own son, Keaton, at age 4, why his older brother, Carson, had to die as a baby before Keaton was born. The questions are so painful to contend with and the answers are wrought with deep, deep sadness. Human beings, including young children, long for and crave relationships with their family and separation is never, ever easy. Keaton asked me "Why did I get to live and Carson did not?" I didn't know how to explain that. The fact is that there is no answer to that question. So I said "Well, God thought you were a very, very special little boy." Instantly, I felt the error of my words. And Keaton, at age 4, said "Didn't God think Carson was special?" What could I say? Death makes no sense to children and there is no way for adults to explain it. Julian has a wonderful grandmother in you, Lillie, who loves him. I am sending you and Julian and your whole family all my best wishes for peace and love when you feel sad thinking about Annie. xoxo

pinwheelgirl said...
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Anonymous said...

Oh Lillie, my heart hurts for him so much! You are an awesome grandma and you answered his questions beautifully.

sparrow said...

So beautiful and touching. . .you gave beautiful answers and so much healing with the allowance to truly be there for this precious child. . .may your day be embraced by love and goodness. . .as you have embraced so many others. . .